They Broke Me, But I Rebuilt Me
BY: JANELLE OLICIA SAGUN
Images by Winta Assefa
"Friends come and go, but the good ones stick around" is what I thought when I met a group of people in grade nine. Becoming friends with this group truly brought out a side of happiness I thought I didn't have before. This friend group was like the second family that I deeply loved and cared for, but everything changed in grade ten.
Everything was going fine at the beginning of the first semester. We were happy, having fun, and enjoying our grade ten years until it was the ISU exam season. To give context, this was a religious issue between three of my friends and me. My friends worked at a fast pace, whereas I was not like them. As the pressure mounted, I felt increasingly isolated, struggling to keep up with their expectations while grappling with my own beliefs. The joy we once shared faded, replaced by tension and misunderstandings that threatened to unravel our friendships.
The combination of academic pressure and conflicting beliefs led to a significant shift in our dynamics. We all were assigned different roles to research, and I did my part, but my friends told me they did not understand the research I did, and then they removed my research and ended up doing my part for me without giving me another chance to redo it. I felt terrible that they had to do my part for me, but I was a bit upset they didn’t let me have another chance to redo it. In the end, I barely made any big contribution to our ISU. This caused a whole situation where I was cut out of the presentation part of the ISU, and our teacher had to email my mom about how I wasn’t a part of the presentation anymore and that I would be given a chance to redo the part I researched and present it to her after our exam. I thought my mom would be furious with me about the whole project, but my mom is an understanding woman who understood what happened and told me that it was okay. During all of this, I was feeling anxious, terrified, and overall horrible, waking up in the morning and having to face my friends. I dreaded it…but I had to face them. After the presentations at the ISU, I thought everything was fine because they still talked to me and let me be in their group, but I was wrong.
It was after the last band practice we would have before exams started when those friends in my religion class confronted me by the bus. In front of our whole friend group, they called me out and said, “You realize you did nothing right?” I was going to answer, but they turned their backs to me and got on the bus. On the bus, all of them were laughing and giggling behind me while I was cast out, silently crying. It hurt me so much to hear them laughing and having fun as if nothing was wrong. Even my best friend, Arianne, was with them; I felt alone.
Once the bus got to Finch, I left and disappeared from them and went home, but I ended up going to my childhood park and sitting at a bench crying my eyes out and just thinking of all the messed-up stuff I did. I thought of the times when I could have acted mean or rude to them when I was just trying to be silly or fit in with them. I thought about the times when I could have been physical with them, as in hitting them when I laughed or pushing them too hard, or even when I would say things that might have been weird or out of pocket. I felt like I was at my lowest, with no one to talk to and no one to rely on. I couldn’t talk to Lorraine, my other best friend, because she was going through a rough situation; I couldn’t talk to my other close friend, Heart, because she was going through some mental health stuff; I couldn't go to my sister because she wouldn’t care and would just tell me to grow up, and I couldn’t turn to my parents because as immigrant parents, especially from the Philippines, they don’t really care about emotional or mental stuff. So the only person I could rely on was me, which wasn’t the best choice.
I thought maybe Arianne would send me a text asking if I was okay, but nothing, and that hurt because I thought we were best friends. The sunset fell behind me as I left the park. Upon arriving home, I immediately went to my bedroom. Once the door closed, I experienced a sudden mental crack. My body collapsed to the floor while I pulled my knees tightly to my chest with hot, streaming tears blurring everything around me. A stuttered breath escaped my lips as I listened to their voices and heard both their laughter and their silence while failing to detect any signs of care. My hands remained motionless in front of my eyes while I lost count of the minutes; they were the hands that once had written letters and held friends' hands. My hands trembled unfamiliarly, as if they no longer felt like part of myself. My hands grasped something I had vowed never to touch. I didn’t flinch. I didn’t stop. I remained motionless, watching the pain transform into something I could grasp. The sensation of pain gained a purpose for me, something I could physically see and touch. Each one carried a name. I couldn’t forget any of them, with each hardship burned into my mind. At that moment I thought to myself, “This is what I deserve.”
It only got worse because after our final exam of semester one, Arianne asked me if we could walk, and I agreed. On the walk to the bus stop, she told me that “we should end our friendship because we’re toxic and mean to each other.” I never viewed our friendship that way, but I could tell what she could’ve meant. I was always pushing her to do things that she could have been uncomfortable with, but I didn't see that when I would just be plain mean to her with my comments or side remarks about what she would do. We were both crying because we’d been best friends since grade five and spent the rest of elementary school days together, but in the end, we ended our friendship on good terms. Now I was alone, with no one to turn to, no one to talk to. It was like I was emotionless and felt nothing anymore, no pain.
Once the second semester started, I didn't know who to hang out with, but I found my way to this amazing group of grade elevens: Hannah, Zoe, and Janeen. They were fantastic, loving, and out-of-this-world people whom I met through Heart, and they welcomed me to their group with open arms and took me in. They accepted my flaws and who I was, and they loved me unconditionally. As the months went by, I was doing better. I was still recovering from the whole disaster of that friend group, but I was accepting what happened to me, learning from the mistakes I made, and rediscovering myself. That’s until Lorraine reached out to me and asked if I was okay and heard my side of the story. I told Lorraine my side of the story, and she got the whole picture and was the middleman between me and that friend group, which made three other friends of that friend group—Katie, Abigail, and Leanne—ask what happened because they were left out of the whole situation, and so I told them. After telling them what happened, everything made sense to them; they understood and became friends with me again, and it was great to have them as friends again.
Grade eleven started, and I was extremely happy. I had my old friend group back, my other friend group with me, and I loved my schedule, but it got even better because I met a guy who I had been friends with since elementary school but only got to reconnect with when grade eleven started, and we started talking to each other. Throughout the first semester, everything was going well, but then January came when I relived those same feelings I felt in grade ten. It was as if I was back in grade ten and living through that moment all over again. It was the same situation, but this time it was just one friend instead of three, and this time it was my fault because both my marketing and English ISU presentations were due on the same day, and I had to change my marketing ISU topic because it was more challenging than I thought it was. Although I still did my part of the English ISU, it still wasn’t “big enough.” In the end, I genuinely felt bad and apologized for not contributing as much as I should have. After I apologized, Leanne seemed fine and accepted my apology, and almost everything went back to normal until a couple of days later, closer to exams, when I relived those feelings again.
We sat down at our usual table during our first-period spare time. Leanne told me what she and our whole friend group have been feeling since I came back into the friend group. She said that THEY did not like the way I expressed my thoughts, opinions, or myself. She also said that during our ISU, it was like she felt betrayed and said how “we (the friend group) let you back into our friendship, and you went back to your old habits.” After she said that, it pained me deeply because being with them again, I was feeling myself again—happy, joyful, and bright—but I guess they never really liked me for who I truly was. After she said her piece, I said what I had to say, and I said that it was my fault for not contributing enough to our ISU and apologized for it, but in the end, she said that we should give each other space and that after exams we could talk it out again (that talk never happened). I agreed, and then we went our separate ways for the rest of the day.
My eyes were red, watery, and puffy, clarifying that I’d been crying, and when it was my marketing class (fourth period), I vented to Lianne, whom I trusted, and told her how I felt because she was there for me in the morning while Leanne talked to me. I told Lianne that I felt like an idiot and horrible. She asked if I told my boyfriend, but I didn’t because I didn’t want to burden him with my problems during this time because exams were next week and because I feared how he would see me or react to the person I was.
At home, I sat on the floor in my bedroom while my breathing created the only noise between me and the silence. A moment replayed. A word I shouldn't have said. A laugh that landed wrong. That lengthy silence seemed to consume the air. Guilt became a heavy burden, which made me repeat my prayer continuously: "This is what I deserve, to be punished… I did this to myself again." Shame wrapped around my body in the shape of an additional protective layer, which both felt deeply familiar yet sank heavily upon me. Being back in that negative mindset made me look down on myself and made me think of so many negative thoughts about myself, but the one thing that I kept on thinking was, “Why can’t I just be myself?” As exam season of the first semester started, my mental health was not the best, but I overall still did well on the exams.
I knew that the second semester was going to be even harder than before, but I had to push through and just make it to June. In the beginning, it was hard seeing them all together laughing and having fun, but what stung was when Lorraine said nothing to me at all. I thought we were close once again and that I could rely on her, but I guess I was wrong. But I knew there was one group that I could always go to, and that was Hannah, Zoe, and Janeen. It wasn’t like I stopped hanging out with them or stopped being friends with them. They were grade twelves and had their courses to focus on and other stuff on their plate and I just wanted to reconnect with my old friends. Those three are the best people in my life, and I love them so much. I explained to them the situation, and they still accepted me. I always had a place in their group even when I told them all the mistakes I made. They comforted me and reassured me it wasn’t just my fault, but my ex-friend's group as well.
They were there for me when I was going through that negative mindset again; they helped me a lot with rediscovering myself and helped me gain back my confidence and I learned to not care about my ex-friend group, which then made me think, “Why be friends with people who don’t accept me for who I am and how I express myself?” It felt very slow in the beginning, but as time went on, I was getting better and felt like my actual self again thanks to Hannah, Zoe, and Janeen. I was starting to not give a damn about my ex-friend's group and their thoughts and opinions about me and choose peace. As much as I did not give a damn, I still acknowledged what happened to me, took accountability for my actions, and chose to move on from it and leave it in the past.
As time passed and the months slowly ticked by, I had some concerns about the Music Council upcoming event that began to weigh on me. Eventually, I reached out to Lorraine to discuss some matters I had. It was during this conversation that I made a surprising and relieving discovery: Lorraine had never actually had any feelings of hatred towards me, nor had she ever genuinely wished to end our friendship. She explained that she had been caught up in a "bandwagon" mentality, simply going along with the actions and thoughts of others without truly considering her own feelings. Honestly, I wasn’t upset or resentful about this, Lorraine was going through challenges with her schoolwork and studies, and I felt it was completely understandable that she might have been influenced by external pressures during that time.
After successfully reconnecting with Lorraine and as the school year finally drew to a close, a sense of lightness and joy returned to my life. I felt like my old self again, that happy and carefree person I had been before. It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I no longer felt burdened by the negativity of toxic individuals or those who simply disliked me. Instead, I was surrounded by an amazing group of friends, each of whom accepted me wholeheartedly for who I am. I also had the unwavering love and support of my boyfriend, who is truly loving, caring, and just out-of-this-world amazing, and most importantly, I had Lorraine back in my life, someone I had deeply missed.
The feeling was indescribable. It felt like I was standing on top of the world, completely invincible. I genuinely do not give a damn about anyone’s thoughts or opinions about me, whether positive or negative. I had come to realize that no matter how difficult or challenging life might become, no matter how hard it hits me and knocks me down, I will always have a strong support system of people who are there to lift me back up, dust me off, and remind me of my own strength and worth.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hi! My name is Janelle Olicia Sagun. I am a gr.12 student that is actively a part of my school community. I am the vice president of my school’s music council, the social media coordinator of the athletic ministry and a part of various sports teams. I’m an introvert who loves reading, going on walks and binge watching movies. I’ve always found writing as an escape from all the chaos in my life and I would catch myself writing late at night to let everything out. I have grown into a person that I have rebuilt and love, I have accepted my flaws and learned to embrace them, I’ve learned not to care about others' thoughts or opinions about myself, and I’ve learned to love me for me.
