Thank You— I’m Sorry
BY: JAN
Images by Winta Assefa
I didn’t even know how it started
But I just blew up一just like that.
I screamed, I swore, I blanked out.
You were dealing with your own struggles
But I couldn't see that
You were probably tired from that rollercoaster of events.
All I cared about was my own pain.
—
My childhood in the Philippines was a fun one. Lots of parties,
Playing with my cousins, family celebrations.
We would go to every relatives house for every party
Or go to the sea.
I remember when some of my relatives,
Went to the house after the party just to party more and
Sing in the karaoke machine.
But there were times where it wasn’t fun at all.
There were times where everyone just fought.
Yelling and arguing wasn’t new to me.
Everyone did it.
I guess that's how it started. That emotional build up.
My family isn't good with dealing or showing emotions
So I always kept my feelings to myself; I never really learned to talk about it.
Neither did anyone…
But even so my childhood
wasn’t too bad.
Everyone would make up after they fought…well, kind of.
They usually acted as if it never happened at all. It sucked.
Everything in my childhood was a blur.
No matter how hard I try, nothing seems to come up.
Most of the things I remember are just bits and pieces.
I remember that week something had happened to my Tito Randy
And he had to be brought to the hospital.
Most of what happened that week
Was also a blur. My Lola Vicky and Tito Ronald were in and out of the house
Taking turns looking after my Tito Randy at the hospital
While me and my brother went to school.
Due to the situation, no one was there to pay attention to us.
Lola and Tito were busy in the hospital
Which made the house feel really empty.
It was the same for a whole two weeks. Lola would cook us food then
Leave for the hospital
To switch with Tito Ronald and vice versa.
They would usually come back at night
And I'd be asleep along with my brother.
But that night was different.
Lola Vicky and Tito Ronald were doing their usual switch.
After Tito finished getting ready and left,
My grandma also went to bed
Exhausted from being in the hospital the whole day.
But at that moment it was like someone else had taken over my body.
I just remember screaming my heart out at Lola, saying every Filipino swear word I could think of.
I couldn’t control myself .
My chest was heavy, my eyes were red from crying, I was still screaming my lungs out
While Lola just quietly went to our room, letting me do as I pleased.
I don’t even remember what Lola looked like at that time.
I was just out of my mind. Then her phone rang
And I snapped out of my rampage.
Till now I still don’t remember what triggered me that night or why I even did that.
I regretted that everyday.
I've always wanted to talk to Lola and apologize but I never got the chance
As I had forgotten what happened and later left the country.
I only remembered this happened on
July 29, 2022.
When covid was slowly dying down
And everyone was starting
To go back to their regular routine
Was when we received a call about Lolas' passing.
I had also just finished summer school that time
So I decided to stay up late to celebrate.
Then early in the morning
I heard my dad in the living room which was weird
As he usually leaves early for work.
But I didn't pay much attention to it and went back to sleep,
Till a couple minutes later
He came to my room and woke me up
And uttered the words
“Wake up you, Lola just passed and your mom in going to Philippines.”
I got up from my bed groggily still trying
To grasp the situation
Of what had just came out my dads mouth.
Then it hit. It hit like someone had just thrown a bucket filled with icy cold water,
Or maybe even a big boulder.
His words echoed in my head…
Then warm liquid started to stream down my cheeks
Like a small raindrop that turned into a giant storm—
“Did he just say she was gone? This must be a f***** dream”
I wanted to scream as loud as I could till I lost my voice
But I couldn’t.
I just quietly wept as my shirt started filling up with tears.
I couldn’t scream as loud as I did that night.
I couldn't cry as loud either.
Why was it that I screamed all those hurtful words towards her
Yet I couldn’t make a single sound when I heard of her passing.
Lola…
I’m sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn’t have had that outburst,
I should’ve talked to you after what happened.
But we all just acted like it never even occurred.
I’m sorry that I only remembered what I did when you were already gone.
I wish that night could’ve gone differently.
You were already exhausted from taking care of both your son and us your grandchildren.
But what did I do?
I only cared about myself and my own feelings.
You were probably in a very dark and gloomy space
But no one saw that
Only you could…
Wherever you are right now,
Thank you for all the love and care you have provided me growing up.
And I’m sorry that I was an ungrateful granddaughter.
And I’m sorry I’m late.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hi, I’m Jan, a Grade 12 student at SJMP who runs on coffee, dreams, and questionable sleep schedules. When I’m not busy with my school work I’m usually playing or sleeping. From time to time I write whatever story that pops up in my head.
